My India Today

Author: Ashlesha Khurana
Freelance Writer, Surat, Gujarat - India

In wake of the most powerful man in Gujarat being denied authorization to enter the U.S of A, there is hearsay that Gujarati Diaspora are on the hunt; apparently, they are looking for the person who granted Bush and allies visa to Iraq.
People are also saying that some sentimental Surtis in Washington, supposedly protested outside the White House singing Altaf Raja’s classic,’Tum toh therey pardesi, saath kyaa nibhaogey?’But the White House feigned ignorance.
Rumours are rife around Tapitown that certain social service groups have pulled up their socks to publish pamphlets that give important tips on how to obtain visa; for the benefit of non Surtis.
The visa pamphlet will be state of the art, after all VIPs will be reading it. Obtaining a visa, particularly to America is as easy as apple pie for us Surtis. Most of our town and hundreds of villages under its jurisdiction have family or friends residing there through sheer Surti skills. Looks like the Surtis are hell-bent on proving that one need not be a rocket scientist or score an aptitude excel to procure an endorsement from the land of uncle Sam. Anyone can get one.Errrr……..well, almost.

Speculation is soaring that there might be a Surti survey, asking us to pool in our thoughts and ideas too. A little bird told me that the‘kabootarbaaz clan’ will even be paid for sureshot tips.For the benefit of Non-Surtis [who will need the tips], the pamphlet is supposed to be printed in a bilingual format; Hindi and English. I have for you an exclusive sneak peak on a few of the tips that are proposed for printing………………
In English it will say’ Visa power-Go get it.’ The Hindi one is’ Kabootar ja ja-Dhoondtey reh jaogey.’
1.Dhandhey pey dhyaan do-First of all, officially change your surname to Patel.Next,prepare a blue print of a motel and a proposal for setting up one .Name any remote location in America where you want to set it up, there are never enough motels in the U.S..Visa provided -10 years.
2. Mein bhi Madonna-Join a singing and dance troupe for the upcoming Navratri festival.Enroll yourself for singing classes and render out a ‘sanedo’ in the visa office. Make sure they stamp on ‘granted’ before they run for cover thinking it’s an audio terror attack. Visa term -3 months.
3. Bhavna o ko samjho-Arrange a mock marriage with your visiting friend, cousin or stranger from the U.S., take along enormous wedding picture album for authenticity. Make sure you have the mehndi pics too. Yankees love tattoos. Visa power-green card nominee.
4. Chak de kamaal-Organise a team of players who play lakhotis, gillidanda and ambli pipli.Tell the authorities you need to create worldwide awareness towards these sports for official entry to the 2012 London Olympics since Gujarat has no representative for the same, yet. Visa permit-6 months.
5. Dur Darshan-Say you need to attend an international seminar of an Indian guru gyaani.Since tickets are not available for national ones and Indian electronic media is advising ‘baba-darr, shun’. You will also tour to visit temples abroad and throw in a trip to the Grand Canyon on your to do list; never mind if you end up going to Vegas instead. Visa wish-1 year.
6. Bachey budhey aur jawan-A popular one for family transfer; Gather neighbourhood kids, adults ,oldies and prepare an invitation of cultural inter school camp/medical treatment camp/Disneyland trip. More the merrier also has added benefit of a free ticket. Visa required-2 weeks [often self converted to lifetime]
Unfortunately, our esteemed chief minister cannot avail any of the above tips. He is a famous figure and a CM, not a common man. Since 2005, he is being sanctioned only a VC [video conference] and not a visa.
Tattle from a loose tongued Dallas Surti last week was that he had heard that American Gujaratis might shift the Chalo Gujarat celebration venue from U.S. to China next year.

Then there was word from the educated New York Surtis that all important Gujarati NRIs might visit Gujarat next year.’ What is that one about the mountain going to Mohammed?”They asked.
Many Surtis now feel that in future,our CM should refuse to visit America. Even if they roll out the red carpet for him and allow him a bumper diplomat package deal, he must deny the desire. It is said Surtis are very hurt; by repeatedly denying permit, they feel Washington has violated his human right, the right to an American visa.
For,when it comes to visas or permit, Surtis maintain,’Haq se maango!’

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